There is a delicious irony in what I have chosen to write about tonight. Earlier today, before lunch, I decided that I would lock myself away and “get today’s post written” so that I wouldn’t have to think about it for the rest of the day, or stay up late tonight to write it. I mediated, looked over old post ideas, looked through some of my photos, and stared at my vision board.

I had nothing.

Eventually, I emerged and rejoined the family who I could hear having a ton of fun while I grappled with my lack of inspiration. At that point, Jung suggested that with the busyness of the holiday and being sick, I hadn’t taken time for my own music for quite a while. I knew that, and I had been planning to compose today, but I really had wanted to get my writing out of the way. I had yet again told myself the phrase that I mentioned in my post, “I Am the Ambassador of Play:”

”After you do this, then you can play.”

It’s an old, old pattern of mine based on the principle of “delayed gratification” whereby I prioritize by telling myself that if I buckle down and get the less enticing tasks done, I will then reward myself by doing something that I enjoy more. As I mentioned in “Going Without the Flow,” I have been trying to get away from making such artificial priorities based on “shoulds,” and instead allowing myself to follow the guidance of my body.

First, “delayed gratification” is one of the prime instigators of procrastination in my life. Second, I don’t want to think about my writing as “something to get done.” I have found that writing for this blog has been a wonderful learning experience and has accelerated my process of becoming honest and accepting of who I am.

I also learned today, that I need to go one step further beyond just listening to my body; it’s best if I follow my creativity as well. To get back to the irony of writing about not being able to write, I feel that it was my need to compose music which was blocking my ability to compose words. Once I spent some time writing music, I felt my creativity free itself up and ideas begin to come more easily. In the future if my energy feels blocked in one creative endeavor, I will try to switch sooner to exercise my creativity in another way, to “prime the pump” of my creative engine.

When I later thanked Jung for suggesting that I go compose music today, she responded by telling me that I should be able to recognize my need to compose by now. She’s right. This is one of my growing edges: I’m unravelling the years I’ve practiced this poor habit of artificial prioritization and am trying to replace it with the habits of listening to my body, being honest about who I am, and remaining flexible. I will increase my vigilance, looking out for the “shoulds” that I artificially create, and to continue to ask myself, “What do you want to create today.”