The fog settled in thick and heavy again this morning in our neighborhood. In addition to a thick opaque vapor covering the space between the ground and the sky, it was cold enough to freeze the moisture on the ground into a thin icy frost on the asphalt which was dangerously slippery. Charles and I went for our walk all the same in our usual park, although we stayed on the trails to be safe and avoid any slippery asphalt.

The foggy, wintry landscape was almost comforting to me in some ways. Solitude, silence, and sobriety seemed to greet me with the familiarity of an old friend, and I felt a sense of belonging growing in me. Just as the fog was spreading and filling the space around me, I felt my sense of belonging seeping in and filling the cracks and corners in my inner-scape. Although the air was cold outside, I felt warmth spreading inside, making my footsteps springy and spritely. Paradoxically, as the fog covered up the landscape, it melted away my crusty exterior, including any masks I used to wear to get to work on Monday mornings. Curiously enough, I didn’t feel vulnerable at all stepping out of the protective armor I used to don on myself to show up at work each morning. I was very comfortable in my own skin. It felt more than good. It felt right.

I realize that, like the weather, my energy level and mood fluctuate, alternate, and oscillate from one state to another constantly and intricately as part of the vast ecosystem. There are days I wake up and feel as if I can take on any challenge in the world. I can shout “Bring it on!” without any hesitation. At the other end of the spectrum, though, is the other aura of “I just want to sleep until Christmas!” and I stay under the blanket, barely managing to breathe in and out. Honestly, this is something that hasn’t changed. It is how I am made, and this make-up stays with me whether I’m in or out of corporate employment. What has changed, however, is how I deal with my make-up of mood and energy level. Instead of bulldozing over them with my protective armor and masks so as to get to work and “function normally” to fit in the work environment, I am now able to not only acknowledge them, but also “read” them accurately so that I can work with my energy level and mood where they are on a given day, hour, or moment.

This is a new practice for me; however, unlike the piano practice of my childhood which I recall with not so fond memories, this new practice of “going with the energy flow” is pleasant and enjoyable as well as practical. First of all, it helps me with my listening skill. When I listen carefully to my own inner voice communicating how I feel, where my energy level is and what the texture of my mood is, I am also honing my ability to listen to others’ inner voices even if unspoken. Secondly, it helps me with consuming my own energy more effectively by conserving it and using it where it really counts. Instead of using my energy to bulldoze over “what is” present with and in me, and to go against the flow of my own internal currents, I can choose to work with whatever level of energy and nature of mood I’ve got in the moment. It helps me to make the best of the hand that has been dealt to me in a given moment, knowing that whatever I have, whether good or bad, will change in due course just like the weather does. Last, but not least, it helps me to enjoy myself more because it’s more fun for me to be around myself when I am not wigged out; who wants to be around someone who is frustrated for not having the “right” level of energy or the “right” kind of mood on demand?

So, if my mood is foggy, I’ll take it and work with it. If my mood is sunny, groovy! If I have enough energy to climb Mount Everest, I’d be in heaven! But if my energy level is at ground zero or below, I will still honor and respect my ability to breathe in and out, and wait until it rises above zero to dance, sing and jump up and down. In the end, it’s all good: one life to live, one body without a spare, and one me to love and honor in the universe! And if I don’t love and honor myself however I feel, no amount of love or honor in the world will fill the cracks and corners of my inner-scape with a sense of belonging in the world. So, goodbye armor! Good bye masks! Goodbye bulldozer! And, hello flow!