I feel totally drained by my daughter J’s emotional outburst today. Both J and S have been having friendship issues at their school with the same friend for the last couple of months and it’s grown in a crescendo within the last week. “Friend A” (we’ll call her Amber), has been their best friend especially since another close friend of theirs whom S and J had known for 6 years moved to a different school in the beginning of this year. Amber, however, befriended another classmate of theirs (who we’ll call “Bonnie”) over the summer, and S and J are feeling that they are losing Amber to Bonnie. They have been telling me for a month, “Mom, Bonnie is trying to ‘defriend’ Amber from us!” Because Charles and I have been telling S and J since they were in Pre-K that “exclusive friendship circles” are not allowed, I wasn’t worried about S and J trying to form a girl clique. In fact, they already spotted a few of their classmates in cliques and they refer to them as “clique girls” when they talk to us about theirs daily challenges and rewards at school. They know how to fend off clique girls and I trust their judgment when it comes to choosing friends and friendship.

Because S and J’s email addresses are associated with Charles’ email account, he can monitor the kids’ email. He has seen email from Bonnie to S and J from time to time, and he has not been too “impressed” with what he was able to discern about Bonnie’s character. Yes, “character.” I don’t think it’s too early to discuss and teach our daughters about character. In addition, S and J told us that Bonnie uses “passive aggressive” tactics toward them. When S or J wants to play with Amber, Bonnie says to Amber,

“I know that you hate me; it’s okay, walk away, don’t play with me. I can find something else to do.”

S and J know that passive-aggressiveness is not welcome at our home: to a degree, we’ll tolerate either passive or aggressive behavior from time to time, but never passive-aggressive. In our family, when any of us sees another exhibit this behavior, we call it out to make sure we do not practice it unconsciously. Both Charles and I have been called out by our daughters in the past, and we’ve learned to apologize to them immediately when that happens.

Children’s intuition is something that I respect and pay attention to. Just because they can’t prove something doesn’t mean it isn’t so. Gathering data is essential, but not enough. I ask them to tell me the details and facts supporting their feelings and opinions, but I also take into account how they sense things even if they cannot prove them with facts and data. Still, I do make an effort to collect all the facts and data I can from my children whenever I hear things are not going well at school; I want to put together as accurate a picture as possible about what’s truly going on.

After talking with S and J, I was able to put together a rough sketch of the situation:

• Bonnie wants to play with Amber, but not as much with S and J.
• Amber is more sympathetic to Bonnie than to S and J because she is getting more flattering attention from Bonnie than from S and J. For instance, Amber likes that Bonnie copies what she draws. Although Amber admires J’s drawings and often copies what J draws, Amber likes having Bonnie copy her drawings for a change.
• In Bonnie’s presence, Amber has asked S and J to play with Bonnie; however, Amber has not asked Bonnie to play with S and J in their presence. Therefore, J feels that Amber is not being fair: calling out S and J to make a concession but not doing the same to Bonnie.
• S and J tried to befriend Bonnie, but Bonnie wants to “possess” Amber. Bonnie does not want Amber to play with S and J.
• Both Amber and Bonnie love to watch a lot of Japanese Anime and they often tell a lot of inside jokes from the anime shows in S and J’s company. J asked Amber, “Please stop telling inside jokes. You and Bonnie watch all the same anime and you two talk about it, but I don’t get it. Also, it hurts me when you don’t listen to me.” To which Amber said, “I can’t stop that. It’s part of my personality.”
• On a field trip, their teacher assigned J and Amber to sit together on the bus ride back to school; however, Amber chose to sit with Bonnie both ways, and rejected sitting with J even when J reminded her of what teacher asked them to do.

It’s hard when my daughters’ feelings are hurt, especially by one of their friends for whom they care very much, but I know it’s part of growing up, and they may as well learn how to deal with getting hurt sooner than later. However, what I’m hearing from J is more than simply, “I want to play with Amber, but she won’t play with me, so I’m hurt.” What I hear from J is her disappointment at her friend’s character which J thought was better than it turned out to be. I hear J saying that Amber could do better than that; that the Amber that J thought she knew was much more fun-loving and collaborative, and had better judgment and sense of fairness than what Amber currently exhibits.

I sure know what J is feeling because I’ve been there. As recently as last summer I experienced disappointment and betrayal by someone who I had hired to be my guide and coach in leading me through MyCrownShift. I’ll call her Claire. Claire approached me in a way that implied that she was more than just my guide and coach; I thought she wanted to be a friend who would also help and support me during my stressful time of making a monumental shift in my life. Right in the middle of that shift, however, I learned that she didn’t see me for who I truly was, nor did she appreciate my true gifts, either. I painfully and shockingly learned that if I didn’t play by her rules, then she wouldn’t include me in her “circle of friends.” I either needed to pay to be in her circle and play by her rules, or I had to be her “revenue opportunity” if I were to continue to remain a “friend.”

When I spoke the truth as I saw it and let her know that the relationship I would like to have with her needed more depth, honesty and mutual respect, she disappeared like a wisp of smoke. Although my total monetary investment in the relationship with Claire over a six-month period was five figures, that wasn’t enough for her; she expected me to continue paying her for her “friendship.” At that point, I knew Claire was not my true friend, and more importantly, I wasn’t interested in a friendship that could be bought. For six months I had deemed her to be a true friend, but I discovered that to her I was a revenue opportunity. I was disappointed in the lack of Claire’s character and integrity. I was let down big time during one of the most difficult periods of my life. As the relationship was unraveling, I suspected that I was right about the motivations behind her “friendship,” but that didn’t make me feel any better. Being right in that case was actually more painful.

However, it is not what happens to us that matters. It is what we do with what happens to us that matters in the end. It’s true that neither my monetary investment in Claire nor my mindshare in our relationship helped me exactly the way I had envisioned it or in the way she had originally pitched to me. The amazing thing, though, is that the way it all turned out was much more magical and astounding than I had ever imagined. The most valuable lesson I learned, which is priceless, isn’t what Claire thought she was “selling” as part of her service. That lesson didn’t come until the failure of my relationship with Claire, and it taught me the wisdom of Shakti Gawain’s words: “You must first be who you truly are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.” As I experienced that wisdom, I let go of my disappointment, hurtful feelings, and resentment toward Claire, and forgave her for her deeds and misdeeds. That forgiveness created a huge space for me to birth my new adventure, and unleashed boundless creative energy to be who I truly am, so that I can do what I need to do, in order to have what I want, which is taking one step at a time toward my vision of creating work that will feed both my soul and my family in concert with kindred souls.

So, I advised J using my own lessons about letting go:

“Let go of Amber if she chooses Bonnie over you and your sister. You must first be who you truly are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. When you are who you truly are, then you may need to let go of those who do not honor the same values that you cherish, such as loyalty, steadfast friendship, and honesty. Rest assured, however, you will attract kindred souls who see your light shining bright. So, my dearest J, let go of Amber and Bonnie, and create the space you need instead to shine your light and attract kindred souls who will love, appreciate, and honor you as you truly are!”